I used to contemplate suicide…
It is really easy to fall into depression, it’s expected because as we experience life to a certain degree, we tend to realize that it is all “useless” [Eccl 1:17&18]. Then we ask ourselves, what is the point of all this- life.
This came to me when I was younger – in grade school. Imagine for a second, a child thinking to their self that their existence was insignificant and not worth living.
I have noticed that a feeling like this is genuine. Such thoughts stem from at least 2 extremes. A seemingly unfruitful life and a seemingly very fruitful life.
Respectively, the first one has the effects of not feeling appreciated or accepted by certain people. Also, in-achievement of certain “critical things” like … not being one of the smartest in class, not making it for school prefectship and maybe even, “not getting the girl/guy”.
Number two, which seems to be the flip side of things can be characterized by the following;
Say you have a lot of experience; you’ve done all you may ever want to do. You even “get the girl / guy” and wealth may even be apparent. To make yourself happy, money seems always to be around to satisfy you. Well, it may take some time but eventually you would realise that just money and your achievements can’t buy you true joy. A “nice life” is apparent, but as far as meaningfulness is concerned, all the best things in this world wouldn’t get us far.
Outside the Christian faith, there is loneliness. If our associations have no link (in either perception or actuality) to God, then our purposes would be firstly compromised on the basis of standards and then end up bringing more misery than fulfilment.
You would ask yourself, what is all this worth, really?
Christianity is a faith walk; it is relationship based. It is rich in reason and purpose. It makes you realise that your contribution in this life is part of a bigger picture.
I was born into a Christian family and perceptively I always thought it was all a set of dos and don’ts. I got miserable close to the end of grade school because I always felt like a loser. Looking back, I realised that I barely had true friends. I contemplated death. Suicide seemed like a good solution, but the fear of what happens after death kept me afloat.
Fast forward into high school second year, with a baggage of inferiority complex and self-hate, I had a Christian female sitting partner. My time with her was almost revelatory. Christianity presented itself as active and as a relationship. Slowly I surrendered to this notion and joined. I accepted Christ for myself in my third year and it was marvellous from then on. I really wasn’t the same afterward – I had my head in the clouds. I had Christ.
Christianity is a relationship with God whose cord was once severed. Man lost the connection to God, our creator. Christ’s purpose on earth was reconciliation. And this meant that he had to die for us as payment for all our wrong – the cause of the severed connection.
But as God, He resurrected – proving a hope of absolute reunion to Himself after this life.
Now, I have all the will to remain and complete my assignment here on earth. Even in hard times, being alive now is proof of true hope that salvation is available. And even in death lies fulfilment.
To live is Christ, and to die is gain – Paul (The Last Apostle of Christ) [Phil. 1:21]
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